The Myth Of Toxic Masculinity, Embracing Femininity & Guys Share Thoughts On Birthdays

The other day, a friend asked me what I believe is the most desirable quality in a man.

Before I tell you my answer, though, I want you to guess. Guys, what do you think women are most attracted to in a mate? And we're going to set aside basic characteristics like respect and loyalty, because those should be a given in a relationship.

Money? A good job? Nice car? A well-kept beard? Six-pack abs and a defined jawline?

Cue the Jeopardy theme. I'll be right here.

OK, time's up. This guy is wrong, though.

The quality that keeps me in awe of my husband every day has nothing to do with money or muscles or beards.

It's the fact that he is the most capable man I know.

Something in the house needs repaired? He's got that. My car's making weird noises? He'll figure it out. Time to go on a road trip? Truck's all loaded up first thing in the morning, and I just have to climb on up like the passenger princess that I am.

He built a successful business from scratch — teaching himself on YouTube the entire way. He can assemble guns, take them apart, reload ammo, navigate his way through the woods, deadlift more plates than I can count, and if there's ever anything he doesn't know how to do, he won't rest until he learns. I've never heard the man make an excuse.

There's just no greater peace than knowing I'm safe and taken care of.

And I'm not exactly a delicate flower. As a woman in a male-dominated industry, I've spent my entire career constantly having to prove I can go toe to toe with the boys. But when it comes to my marriage, I don't want to be a boy. I am thrilled to fully embrace my feminine energy.

This girl gets it.

Now, I didn't say all that just to give my husband an ego boost (although he most certainly will enjoy reading this). I do have a point.

The Myth of Toxic Masculinity

Somewhere along the line, masculinity got a bad rap. At some point, the qualities one would historically use to describe males — strong, logical, capable, leaders, providers — suddenly became bad words. They all became "toxic."

I Googled "examples of toxic masculinity" and the top-three results were really something.

These are heinous offenses — crimes. These are not behaviors associated with being masculine.

The term "toxic masculinity" implies there is something inherently wrong or evil about masculinity. Like boys and men are all born with a malevolence that needs to be exorcised.

Are there men out there who degrade and mistreat women? Who start bar fights for no reason or who bully those less fortunate? Of course. But that doesn't make them masculine. It just makes them assholes.

We, as a society, have demonized traditional male roles so much that we've come full circle.

Case in point: this Gen Z TikToker who has a crush on her grandpa's old war buddies because boys her age spend all their time playing video games and building parlays in their mom's basement.

And before you blame feminism for this epidemic, let me stop you right there.

Feminism Is Not Your Enemy

At its core, feminism — a belief in the political, economic and social equality of the sexes — is a good thing.

I, for one, am very happy I can vote, drive, own a home, have a bank account and otherwise participate in society without the express written consent of my husband or father.

But in the last couple of decades the feminism movement has taken on a negative connotation. Personified, it's the caricature of a blue-haired woman, free bleeding, screeching "f-ck the patriarchy."

That's not productive for anybody.

But to combat the extreme, man-hating feminism, some conservative media personalities (I won't name names, but none of them work for OutKick) have adopted the idea that traditional, strict gender roles are the only way. That is, men must be out working and leading while women must be quiet, barefoot and pregnant.

That's also ridiculous.

True feminism believes that women should be able to do whatever brings them fulfillment in life. If that means being a stay-at-home mom of six, great! But if that means focusing instead on career, travel or some other aspect of life, also great! Or anywhere in between.

But having the same rights under the law does not make men and women the same.

Society has changed. Our basic biology has not. And that balance of feminine energy and masculine energy is so important in a relationship.

Like a bunch of giant hormonal magnets, we need polarity for attraction.

That's not to say that we need to adhere to age-old gender roles. But denying our differences is just as toxic as insisting on exaggerated stereotypes.

Besides, gender roles work for some people.

Ted has it figured out.

Amber, re: gender roles, I have a solution for all of your readers. My wife and I both work 45+ hours a week. It's hard to keep up with the housework because we often just see ourselves coming and going. So a while back, we came up with a system that works for both of us. And for the most part, everything gets done with little complaining from either side.

The house is her domain. She takes care of upkeep inside (vacuuming, dishes, laundry, whatever else she does in there), and I handle everything on the outside (yardwork, mowing, gutters, maintenance and washing the vehicles, trash, garage, etc.) She does most of the cooking, but grilling is man's work.

Amber:

I actually really like this, and it's pretty similar to how things operate in my household, too. We've never sat down and put together a chore chart with gold stars for good behavior, but these are the roles we've naturally taken on.

I would caution you, Ted, to remember one little thing: Just because your wife voluntarily does the cleaning does not mean you should make her job harder, either. For example, just because she is in charge of the dishes doesn't mean you can't help her out by putting the dirties in the dishwasher.

Which reminds me of this classic from Black Rifle.

And since I bragged so heavily on my husband earlier, I'll humble him for a second here — since we're on the topic of housework.

I think this is a man thing, but it drives me bonkers. When he gets undressed, he leaves his clothes wherever he stands. I'm constantly going around picking up socks, shirts, shoes and shorts in the living room, the bathroom, the kitchen, the garage, right next to the hamper but not IN the hamper...

When I ran across this TikTok video, I snort laughed because apparently all married couples are exactly the same.

And yes, I absolutely do throw the boxes in the garage.

Then they magically get broken down and disposed of, it's the darndest thing.

'Big Dumb Oaf' will do better this year.

Amber, thank you for the reminder on stuffing your wife's stocking for Christmas. I'm a perfect sexy husband, so I'd never forget, but I'm sure a lot of men need the reminder.

Just kidding, I made my wife cry last year. Really ruined the festivities. 0/10 don't recommend.

Amber:

For the record, he called himself "Big Dumb Oaf." That was not me.

But I'm happy to help! I'm sure you'll be the most perfect, sexiest husband at the family Christmas this year, BDO.

And for those who missed my gift guide last week, here you go.

Benny on Birthdays

In Nightcaps on Tuesday, I shared a video of a woman who planned an elaborate 30th birthday party for her husband, and none of his 20 friends could make it.

The replies on this video were full of guys saying grown men don't celebrate their birthdays. Which is news to me because I've been to plenty of grown man birthday celebrations.

Here's what Benny had to say:

I am not much for celebrating my birthday. Never was a big deal to me. I've even went a couple of birthdays where I missed them completely. Remembered a day or so later. I would never plan my own birthday party.

But huge kudos to Danielle for setting up a great birthday bash for her boyfriend. If I had a girlfriend who planned an event, I'd sure as hell enjoy every second of it. Even if I don't care much for celebrating my birthday, it's obvious she did, so I'd be grateful.

And I would absolutely attend such an event for any of my friends. Whether its an event like Danielle planned, or just a small get together in the backyard with BBQ and beer, I'd attend for my friends. I keep my friend circle small, but they're like brothers & sisters to me. We've spilled blood in the same mud and put our lives in each others hands. Damn right I'd be there for them. This guy needs new and better friends.

Amber:

Perfectly stated, Benny.

I know women make a much bigger deal out of their birthday than men do. So maybe Danielle's plan was a little more extravagant than it needed to be. But the idea that your girlfriend or wife shouldn't do anything at all for your birthday is absurd to me.

We're having steaks, cakes and bourbons and you're gonna like it, buddy!

Dean from Georgia wants two things for his birthday.

64 yo here outside ur usual demo. Men don't do birthdays, maybe their women do something for em but I always say, "a piece of ass n a t shirt is all I want, both too big." Please ladies leave us alone. It's my birthday I'll do what I want. In my case I go bass fishing. birthdays should not b a big deal for men after middle school. Enuff w this silly sh-t!

Amber:

Is the oversized T-shirt for you or for her? And how can she leave you alone if she's trying to give you that other thing you want, Dean?

But since you think birthdays are silly, I have the perfect birthday cake for you — courtesy of this reddit guy's wife.

Just kidding. I hope you catch the biggest ass, bass and T-shirt for your 65th birthday, Deano. You deserve it.

Happy Ending

Marriage goals.

Even after 68 years, Charlotte is still telling Murray how "masculine and vibrant" he is.

And I bet he still doesn't pick his clothes up off the floor.

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Fridays.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.