the bachelor and the sec: your pre-show analysis

By Matt Brown

Two weeks ago while the debacle of the National Championship Game was being played another competition had just begun, The Bachelor. Even though most of the contestants are living in a fairy tale one thing is for certain, unlike Manti Te’o’s girlfriend, they’re real. 

So why should any man, or woman for that matter, care about The Bachelor? Simply, we shouldn’t, but we do. So in case you’ve missed the first two weeks I have complied a starting line up of the bachelorettes so you will be caught up with what you missed; and also so you will have a solid baseline comparison. 

The Starting Lineup: 

Sean: The anti-Tyler Bray. The Bachelor. Everything you think of when you hear or see Bray, think the exact opposite.

Tierra LiCausi: Jadaveon Clowney. A complete bombshell. The player you watch because you know a big play could happen at any second. Not mention she got the first rose…Clowney will get the first draft pick next year, it’s premonition. 

Sarah Herron: Marcus Lattimore post knee-injury: The most sincere girl on the show who is truly seeking more than 15 minutes of fame. Sarah has one arm, which in no one way effects her as a person. But one has to wonder, like Lattimore, will the physical limitation be to much to overcome?

Lesley Murphy: Johnny Football. This Arkansas gone D.C. Southern Belle brought a football to make her first impression. She then made Sean be the center and snap the ball; only she never said ‘hut’ and just admired the view. When you see this girl in action you see the female Johnny Football. Let’s just hope she brought her Scooby outfit.

Kacie Boguskie: Honey Badger. The south has the most attractive girls anywhere in the world, and Tennessee has two girls in the fray. But Kacie, a former contestant on the Bachelor and Clarksville native just doesn’t know when to stop. She had her heart broken once and came for round two. Like Honey Badger, she just needs to stop living in a daze and look to the future.

Robyn Howard: Derek Dooley. Robyn is the comedy pyramid of The Bachelor. As she fell on her back trying to do a backflip in an evening gown, you could easily tell where this is heading. Yet somehow she managed to get a rose. We’ll see how long the laughs continue; but like Dooley at Tennessee, it won’t last very long.

Jackie Parr: James Franklin. For her first meeting with Sean, Jackie put on bright red lipstick and gave him a kiss on the cheek. If you score for Franklin or Jackie, one thing is for certain; a big wet kiss. 

AshLee Frazier: Todd Gurley. The best thing about these two are their legs. Gurley has speed, and AshLee has the looks. It will be interesting to see how this adopted Texas beauty fares; if her emotions are as long as her legs she will be going home in a couple weeks. 

Desiree Hartsock: Barrett Jones. The wedding dress designer from California came across as solid and as dependable as Jones and seems like a safe pick for Sean. If he had to pick today, Desiree would be in his top five; just like Jones will be in the Draft.

Taryn Daniels: Jordan Matthews. Even though Taryn did not get a great deal of attention, she definitely has big play potential. One of the better looking bachelorettes, don’t be surprised when Taryn is a major factor down the stretch.

Kristy Kaminski: A.J. McCarron. Kristy is a little on the annoying side with a personality the size of Alabama. Like McCarron with his infamous tattoo, each seem like a good person to have in the group for laughs, but you’re pretty sick of them by the end of the night.

Selma Alameri: Aaron Murray. Dependable? Yes. Attractive? Yes. Stunning? No.

Special Teams: The one’s who help move the game along but really aren’t that interesting:

Lindsay Yenter

Catherine Giudici

Daniella McBride

Amanda Meyer

Water-boy: Chris Harrison