Stuff Her Stocking, The Ultimate Christmas Gift Guide And Name A Random Woman

Man, Christmas sure has changed over the years.

Maybe it's Jeff Bezos' fault. Or Bidenomics. Or maybe I'm just getting old. But earlier this week, I took a trip to the mall. And yes, they still have those.

As a kid, I used to love going to the mall at Christmastime. I didn't actually have any money to shop, but I loved the decorations, the holiday music, the hustle and bustle, the smell of Auntie Anne's, the whole vibe.

But when I went to the mall on Wednesday night, it was nothing like I remembered. There were holiday decorations here and there, but if you weren't looking, you probably wouldn't have noticed them. Hardly anyone was shopping — mostly just retail employees staring at their phones, desperately waiting for their shifts to end.

There wasn't even a line of kids to see Santa Claus. Just a big sign with a QR code — instructing shoppers to download an app to reserve a time to take a picture with Santa.

Sheesh.

I stopped at a restaurant inside the mall. There was a man sitting at the bar, sipping bourbon and scrolling Amazon. He was shopping for his wife. From his phone. At the mall.

Not that I blame the guy. Shopping for a significant other can be tough. And that's why I'm here to make that just a little bit easier — with a gift guide to make sure your wife is as happy as we all were back when Kevin McCallister bought a whole cart full of groceries for less than $20.

But before we get to that, I have to let you know what's going on on the God-forsaken Chinese spy app.

TikTok Trend: Name A Woman

Fellas, we went through this a couple weeks ago with "The Beckham Test," and I regret to inform you that another relationship trend is making its rounds on TikTok.

Name a woman.

Unless you are Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson or a "Squad" Democrat, that seems like a pretty simple task. But there's a catch.

Now, if you have a death wish, you could name a hot celebrity, a porn star or your wife's single friend who just got a boob job. I do not recommend this strategy.

Here are a few guys who failed miserably.

Of course, the whole idea is that the woman you name is the first woman on your mind. Which, in our female brains, should be your wife or girlfriend.

So if you really want to take the path of least resistance, just do that.

But I actually think you should take a different approach. Just to highlight the silliness of this whole thing, you should be prepared with the most random female historical or fictional character you can think of. Not only will this completely throw her off, but it will be hilarious. Someone like Amelia Earhart or Peggy Hill or Alice the maid from The Brady Bunch.

This next guy? Flawless execution.

Yes, we can all agree these TikTok trends are stupid. But as your Womansplainer, it's my job to make sure you don't end up in the doghouse over something stupid.

You're welcome.

What Do Men Want For Christmas?

OK, I promised y'all we'd get into Christmas stuff, so let's not waste any more time.

Every year around the holidays, I peruse men's gift guides to get ideas. And every year they are so silly — mostly because these men's gift guides are always made by women.

Ma'am, my husband spends all of his free time shooting guns and trekking through the woods. He doesn't need whiskey-scented soap, monogrammed leather or GPS golf balls.

And usually when I ask men what they want from their wives for Christmas, I hear something like this.

Side note, the comments on Nick's video had me rolling:

"The kids like to play with the box the toys came in, and we just want the box the kids came in."

"That is the response I get when I ask him what he wants for dinner, too."

"Yes, but that is tricky to give in front of the in-laws."

"My ex-wife knew the gift but made the mistake of who the gift was for."

Oof.

First of all, guys, I'm very sorry for you that said gift is so rare you have to put it on your Christmas list. But maybe I can help.

...Not like that. Gross.

I can help because I know what women want. So maybe if you follow my handy dandy gift guide for your wife or girlfriend, your Christmas list might just get checked off, too.

So let's get started.

Stuff Your Woman's Stocking

That's not some sort of Christmas-themed innuendo.

I mean this quite literally: Your wife (or fiancée or live-in girlfriend) should wake up on Christmas morning with a gift in her stocking.

A video went viral recently where a husband realizes — after 10 years — that his wife is the only one in the house who wakes up on Christmas morning with an empty stocking. She makes sure her kids, her husband and even the family dog get surprises from Santa Claus. But up until this moment, the guy did not consider that he should do something for her.

It's actually kind of hard to watch.

Of course, this may not apply to you at all. And if you do stuff your wife's stocking every Christmas Eve, you're awesome and you should keep doing that.

But there's a reason this video went viral. Because women everywhere (but particularly moms) tend to be the ones creating a magical experience for their families during the holidays. And too often, they get left out. I hear this all the time from women I know.

So if you're sitting there thinking, I already get my wife a gift every year. What does it matter if there's anything in her stocking? Trust me, it does. Because as cliché as it sounds, it really is the thought that counts.

And the stocking stuffers don't have to be expensive or extravagant. In fact, these are the easiest gifts you'll buy all year: her favorite candy, snacks, a framed family photo, a gift card to her favorite coffee shop, a bottle of wine, refills of some makeup or skincare products she uses every day, a first-class ticket to Italy for two weeks...

I'm kidding about that last one. Unless you've got it like that — in which case, that would be a phenomenal stocking stuffer.

The point here?

B*tches Love Meaningful Sh*t.

And I mean that as a term of endearment.

Sure, there are some material girls out there who will settle for nothing less than a $10,000 Chanel purse for Christmas. And if you have one of those women, I wish you the best of luck.

But the rest of us really just love to know that our partner put some thought into it.

Which brings me to my next idea for you: experience-based gifts.

I'll use myself as an example here. I'm particularly hard to buy for because if I want something, I usually just buy it myself. That doesn't leave my husband a whole lot of options when Christmas, our anniversary and my birthday roll around (which are all within six weeks of each other, by the way).

So we tend to do experience-based gifts. And guys, the key with these is that you have to do ALL of the planning. Otherwise it's just more work for her.

I'll let this dude explain.

And it doesn't have to just be a dinner and ice cream. In fact, there are an infinite number of possibilities here. I'll give you a few.

Fellas, I promise you... If your wife or girlfriend is used to doing all the planning and creative date nights aren't normally a thing for you, you will blow her mind with effort like this.

And you'll probably get one of those Christmas presents that guy Nick was talking about earlier.

Bruce Brings Some Wisdom

Amber I always had one rule I lived by: Never buy your, girlfriend, wife or partner a gift she has to plug in!

Amber:

When I first read this, I was so confused. But the more I thought about it, it made perfect sense. And it's actually brilliant. Bruce never disappoints.

Let's think about things you have to plug in: vacuum cleaners, cooking appliances, treadmills, to name a few. While all of these are useful and probably necessary, they also imply that you expect her to do some work. She's not exactly getting enjoyment out of these "gifts."

For example, let's say she buys you a round of golf at the best course in town, and you buy her a power steam mop. They might have the same monetary value. But you get to go have fun and drink beer with your buddies while she gets to... clean the floors. See what I mean?

That's not to say you shouldn't ever buy household appliances. But maybe just consider them necessities for both of you and not gifts for her.

Anonymous Has Some Ideas For The Ladies

As it relates to Christmas or Birthday gifts for the ladies in our lives... I think, like most men, I shop at the "she'll just return it store." FINALLY, this year for her birthday, I got something that she kept. Is funny, I have 28-year-old daughters. I buy this trendy stuff. My daughters say "I want it!," but my smokin' hot wife says "nah, going back."

The coolest gift I've ever received? I lived in Texas for a bit, and there is a LOT OF GOLF that goes on there, given the weather. There was a thing called the "Swap Meet" that happened at one golf shop or another every year. Folks showed up to buy and sell or trade their clubs and/or gear, and they had a BBQ trailer show up. Had my whole day planned around it. As I'm about to walk out the door, my former wife hollers at me and says. "Hey, got something for you before you go." $225 in cash! We were tight with our spending, particularly me (my tail was tight over a $10 hat purchase back then). "Have fun, get something you like." WOOOOOOO!!!!!

Now, for the ladies out there who may be reading OutKick and are looking for something to do for your fellas (in the words of the guy from Jurassic Park, Clever Girls ), here is the way to go... My smokin' hot wife did this for me. Schedule an event for your guy at a get-fitted-for-shirts place, or find someone locally who will come to your house and do it for you while he and his boys have cold drinks. Trust me, ladies, I had the very best day ever (boys and I took a cooler and they had bourbon — a reason they had that bourbon. Was awesome, though). All you have to pay for is the setup, and if they come to your house, just pay for the shirts. In fairness, might be more than $225.

Amber:

There's a lot going on here, Anonymous, but my big takeaway is that I'm now going to require my husband to call me his "smokin' hot wife" on every reference.

Both of the above examples are experience-based gifts. Turns out, those are great for all two of the genders! The shirt thing sounds expensive, but I love the idea. Just an incredibly thoughtful and creative gift. No notes.

Tyler Just Discovered The Nightmare That Is Women's Clothing

Amber, first of all, thank you for Womansplaining. Even after 11 years of marriage, the female mind is a confusing and curious thing to me.

As far as Christmas gifts... My wife usually just gives me a list of things she'd like for Christmas, and that makes life easy. But this year I want to do something different. We recently had our third (and final - got the snip!) kid, and my wife worked really hard to get herself back in shape afterward. She's proud of herself and I love to see her confidence back. I'm proud of her too. And I know she's wanting a new wardrobe to go along with her new body. But I'm at a loss... How do I even begin to buy women's clothes? There are so many options, and the sizing doesn't seem to follow any logical system. I need another college degree to understand it. Buying a gift card feels lazy, but I'm in way over my head.

Amber:

Congratulations all around! Not only on the birth of your child but also on your wife's accomplishment. That's not an easy thing to do (especially juggling three kids), and you should be proud of her.

As for your question, my simple answer is, "Don't." Don't try to figure out what clothes and what size your wife needs.

We — as women — can't even figure out women's sizing. I, personally, wear anywhere from a 0 to a 6 depending on the brand, the style and how much cheese I ate the day before. So your best bet is to not even attempt to do that.

That said, I think your idea is a great one. And here's my foolproof suggestion: Buy the gift card — either to the mall or to a store you know she really loves. Arrange a day she can go shopping with a sister or a best friend. You handle the kids that day. She not only gets a break from mom-life for an afternoon, but she also gets a girls' day and a shopping spree.

I am telling you, Tyler, you will be a hero.

This energy — except without you awkwardly waiting in the car:

Next Week: Masculine & Feminine Energies

Next week we're talking gender roles, the myth that is "toxic masculinity" and a whole lot more.

Thoughts on this topic (or anything, really)? Email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com!

Happy Ending

Since we started this column talking about Christmas nostalgia, let's bring it full circle.

Enjoy this compilation of some awkward family holiday cards. Maybe some inspiration for your last-minute Christmas card.

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Fridays.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.