Python Bites Man's Penis While He Goes To Bathroom

I've been afraid of a snake biting my penis for 30 years, ever since my mom told me about the time a snake somehow ended up in the toilet and bit a man while he went to the bathroom. 

I still look for snakes every time I go to the bathroom. Hell, my mom has me so terrified of snakes that I won't even go walk in high grass if I lose a golf ball. I totally expect to get bitten every time I go on a hike outside. I've only seen one snake in the wild in the last ten years and I nearly fainted. Basically, me and snakes aren't friends. 

So you can imagine my horror when I get on Twitter this morning and see that a man in Thailand got attacked by a python while he was using the bathroom. Where does this penis attack news come from? CBS, the Tiffany network of Walter Cronkite. (I love how many of you see a snake biting a man's penis and immediately think, "Gotta make sure Clay see this.")

Here are the gory details from, of all places, Bangkok:

"A Thai man is recovering from a bloody encounter with a 10-foot python that slithered through the plumbing of his home and latched its jaws onto his penis as he was using a squat toilet.

Attaporn Boonmakchuay was smiling as Thai television stations interviewed him in his hospital bed about the intimate intrusion, and doctors said he would recover. But photos of his blood-splattered bathroom in Chachoengsao province, east of Bangkok, were testimony to his ordeal.

The 38-year-old told Thai TV Channel 7 that he struggled to remove the snake for 30 minutes Wednesday before he managed to free himself with help from his wife and a neighbor. After his wife tied a rope around the snake, Attaporn pried open its jaws before passing out."

Ten thoughts:

1. WORST DICK DAY EVER. 

2. I went to Thai TV Channel 7 to try and embed this video and I can't even find the interview this guy did.

It isn't one of the top ten most popular videos!

So do guys just get their dicks bitten by snakes and wrestle them for a half hour all the time in Thailand? How is this not the number one story on this station's website?

3. Let's think about this from the snake's perspective.

You know I hate snakes, but one way I try to avoid ever encountering them is constantly thinking like a snake. "Oh, that huge, unmowed field that ends in a mossy lake, snake haven! I'm not going there."

So why did the snake go after this dude's dick?

My first thought was what an asshole move by the snake. But then I started thinking -- the snake had to think it was something else, right? Isn't the ass a bigger target here? So you have to figure that, at first, Attaporn was having a good dick day in order to entice the snake with a hefty meal. Here the snake thinks a chubby mouse just showed up in his lair and next thing you know the snake's in a mortal fight for life and death.

The snake had to be terrified too.

4. How did the snake get into the toilet?

It "slithered through the plumbing of his home."

Jesus.

I just...

I've never been so anti-pipes in my entire life.

5. The dude's on a squatty potty.

What a detail to use here.

We just ordered two squatty potties in my house because, and I swear this is true, my five year old squats when he goes to the bathroom. No idea how this happened, but he puts both his feet on either side of the toilet seat and squats above it like Batman sitting on top of a building waiting to be summoned to fight crime in Gotham City.

The squatty potty may have saved this man's life.  

6. They released the snake back into the wild.

HELLO! WOULD YOU RELEASE A GREAT WHITE OR A TIGER AFTER HE TASTED A MAN.

Do I have to solve every problem in Thailand?

This snake is a confirmed dick eater now. And they just let the snake back out into the wild?!

Where he'll go bite another dick. 

No dick is safe in Thailand while this snake is still out there.

7. This happened in Bangkok.

The only thing I know about Bangkok is it's a city and there are lots of prostitutes there. 

So are there just huge snakes everywhere in Thai cities? Like you head to the Bangkok red light district for a tasteful afternoon orgy that costs you $14 American dollars and snakes are just dangling from lamp posts?    

If this happens in a city, what are snakes like in rural Bangkok? I'm picturing every home as like the tomb in "Raiders of the Lost Ark."

Guess who's never going to Bangkok?

This guy. 

8. Props to this guy's wife for engaging in the struggle. 

Because if my spouse screamed in terror in the bathroom, I ran in there, and saw a ten foot snake attached to his or her genitals and blood spattered everywhere, I'm passing out on the spot.

But if I didn't pass out, how do you fight a snake? You can't choke him to death, right? I assume everyone in Thailand has a machete so I think you have to use your machete on the snake and just cut him in half and then wait for him to die and let go of the dick. 

The fact that they fought the snake for a half hour and the snake didn't die is baffling to me. 

9. This guy fights the snake FOR A HALF HOUR. 

Can you imagine the adrenaline rushing through his veins? 

He's in a life or death struggle with a snake for his dick. 

Also, how small does your dick get when a snake bites it. Your dick has to retreat faster than a French regiment in World War II. 

You know how when you have near death experiences time passes by in incredibly slow detail? (I've never actually had a near death experience, but that's what soldiers all say. While you're fighting in a battle every second seems like a lifetime.) So how long did this seem to this dude?

Thirty minutes of life or death struggle with a ten foot snake over your dick? And when you rescue your dick you just pass out because you literally have no energy left. 

This sounds like a Les Miles training regimen for LSU football in the fall. "Okay, men, the want of the snake or the want of you. Who wins your penis on the perimeter?"

10. I'm about to go to the beach with my kids and my wife just said, "Come on, Clay, it's time to go to the beach," and I was like, "Can't you see I'm working?"

Later on today she's going to find out I'm writing about a Thai man's penis getting attacked by a python while he went to the bathroom.

And this article will be the most read thing on Fox Sports today. 

What a world. 

So, in closing, no matter how bad your day is going at least your dick didn't get bitten by a snake this morning. 

(By the way, how about the only snake picture available in the Fox sports photo archive being Kobe Bryant alongside an actual black mamba. Just perfect. This is how you win Pulitzers, kids.)

Outkick the Show will be live at 3 eastern today. Spoiler alert: I'm going to talk a ton about this snake attack.