World's Biggest McDonald's: 7 Life Lessons Learned While Eating Pizza, Pasta Under The Golden Arches

Based on my chiseled physique and dashing good looks, people are often surprised to learn that I'm a fan of the occasional McDonald's run.

Sure, it's not the best food and it's not the best for you, but it'll take a lot more than a Morgan Spurlock documentary to get me to stop for a Big Mac after getting bad news from the doctor (or good news; honestly if the doctor says anything to me, I'm probably grabbing lunch).

I think it's the nostalgia. It takes me back to when I was a kid and a trip to the Golden Arches was a way to buy my good behavior ("I swear I won't complain during church if we go to McDonald's afterward.")

So, when I realized that the world's largest McDonald's by square footage was just a quick drive from where I live — and they had exclusive, bizarre menu items to boot — I told my girlfriend we were going out for lunch.

"Where are we going?" She asked.

"Somewhere special. Historic even," I answered.

"Oh, god; It's not Medieval Times is it?"

"Not this time," I said, crossing a dinner-and-tournament date night off my mental to-do list. "Where we're going, they have forks."

I pulled into the parking lot at the World's Biggest McDonald's on the corner of Sand Lake Road and International Drive in beautiful Orlando, Florida, and hopped out of the car with a bounce in my step, eager to undergo a culinary journey found only at this singular monstrosity of a McD's.

Did we find great food? Not exactly, but we did learn some valuable life lessons…

Lesson No. 1: The World's Biggest McDonald's Is Just That

I'm not sure what I was expecting out of the World's Biggest McDonald's.

Ketchup fountains?

A Grimace shrine?

People fighting and a homeless guy sleeping in the bathroom?

I found none of that (fortunately), but I did find a big-ass McDonald's.

Sure enough, inside it looked pretty much like your average, McD's but just bigger.

While the downstairs was pretty typical, there was a second floor where parents were free to let their l̶i̶t̶t̶l̶e̶ ̶h̶e̶l̶l̶i̶o̶n̶s̶ kids run wild upstairs where there was a gymnasium and an arcade.

There was even a big Mac Tonight hanging from the ceiling, just in case you never want to sleep again.

Creepy, but the creepiness was minimized ever-so-slightly by his casual dress.

However, while the aesthetic and vibe of the restaurant felt familiar, the menu felt like something out of an episode of The Twilight Zone… a really lame one.

Lesson No. 2: Expect The Unexpected

Now, I've done a lot of dumb things, but even I'm not dumb enough to drive across town to eat regular McD's fare in what amounts to a bigger version of the standard restaurant.

We were there because there were items on the menu unlike any you'll see at other locations across the country.

I hopped up to the big digital ordering kiosk — the best thing to happen to introverts possibly ever — but declined to log in because it's McDonald's and there's no reason they need my email address.

I quickly ordered my girl and me a smorgasbord of unique McDonald's offerings: a pepperoni pizza, a plate of pasta with chicken and Alfredo sauce, a Philly cheesesteak, and a slice of Peanut Butter Explosion Cake.

I felt like I had an Evel Knievel stars-and-stripes jumpsuit on when I placed that order.

And then after I paid, I felt like I was significantly closer to the poor house than I had been when I crossed the threshold of the World's Biggest McDonald's.

Lesson No. 3: Goofy McDonald's Nonsense Comes At A Hefty Price

There were quite a few people in this McDonald's and none of them — myself included — looked like a Rockefeller. Hell, I'm barely even on par with Skip Rockefeller, a distant cousin several times removed.

But ordering those items came at a significant price, which had me momentarily wondering why we didn't go to a better restaurant.

I forgot to mention in that clip that the cheesesteak was part of a meal, so it came with fries and an iced tea for myself. I told my girlfriend we had to get fries. That was just so we knew at least one item we ordered would be edible.

She also got a Diet Coke. A small Diet Coke.

This brought our bill to almost $60.

Sure, it's a touristy area (International Drive is a big tourist thoroughfare and this McD's sits across the street from Hulk Hogan's Wrestling Shop), but you could tell this was considered by many to be the cheapest lunch option.

Crazy, but welcome to Biden's America.

Lesson No. 4: McDonald's Can Pull Off A Very Okay Pizza

My girlfriend and I sat at our table when an employee brought our first item to our table: a personal-sized pepperoni pizza.

It was delivered on a silver tray like you'd find just about anywhere, but it also came with one of those plastic tray lids you see at nursing homes or hospitals. 

I could've done without that.

But, in all honesty, it didn't look half bad and even somewhat resembled the picture on the menu.

But we didn't buy that pizza to stare at it, so I gave it a taste in the name of both science and journalism.

Like I said in that expertly shot clip (which, by the way, I look handsome as hell in, if you ignore the slight lazy-eye) the pizza was by no means horrible. It even had that kind of coal or wood-fired taste.

I wouldn't go out of my way to get it and a native New Yorker would punch your lights out if you said it was good, but it was better than pizza from McDonald's has any business being.

If you're at the World's Biggest McDonald's and want to give it a shot, you could do a lot worse (which you'll soon see).

Lesson No. 5: Fast Food Pasta Is As Disappointing As It Sounds

Next up came the pasta. It was also served with one of those nursing home lids which made me want to take a nap during a Matlock marathon.

While the pizza looked pretty good, the pasta didn't. In retrospect, we probably should've gotten some veggies in our pasta because this was the most beige plate I've ever seen in my life.

We didn't get one of those crusty bread things and I think they sprinkled some oregano on the plate just to add some color. 

But of course, the biggest thing is the taste.

While the chicken was pretty good — it was the same you'd find on either a McChicken or McCrispy (the more I thought about it, probably the latter) — and it had good flavor.

The Alfredo sauce? It had zero flavor. Maybe negative flavor. It owed us some flavor.

It was not good at all. I didn't expect it to be like something from a nice Italian joint, but I did expect some degree of Alfredo-y flavor.

I guess that's on me.

Lesson No. 6: McD's Has No Clue How To Make A Cheesesteak

If there was one item we ordered that put a lump in my throat, it was the McDonald's Philly cheesesteak. 

I'm from Pennsylvania. I know good cheesesteaks, and I didn't have high hopes for this one.

I mean, look at this nonsense. It looks like it was made by an extraterrestrial who had never eaten or even seen a cheesesteak but heard about one from a friend.

But you can't judge a book by its cover (of course you can, that's a dumb saying), so I manned up and took a couple of bites.

It was not good. At all. I don't even think it was steak on it, it sure looked to me like a burger patty that had been chopped up.

But if you look at it that way, it was a little more tolerable. 

It tasted like a burger, but when you're brain is thinking "cheesesteak" it's trash.

If you could retrain your brain to think, "This is a cheeseburger sub or an elongated burger," it's okay at best.

Lesson No. 7: Take Chances… But Then Go Home immediately

The food we ate was not the best — although the Peanut Butter Explosion cake was very good and a nice palette cleanser — but I'm glad we took an hour out of our day to check out all the World's Biggest McDonald's was all about.

Was the food great? No.

Would I recommend you change plans to go there? Absolutely not.

But, it was an interesting experience, and you can't put a price on that.

…actually, you can, and McDonald's did; it was almost $60.

We finished our food, poked around the arcade a little bit, and then I wanted to hop across the street and check out the Hulk Hogan store. I kind of wanted a picture of me wearing a championship belt while kicking a cardboard cutout of the Iron Sheik (RIP) in the groin.

But we couldn't because one of the most valuable lessons I learned was that if you're going to eat a bunch of weird fast food items in the name of science and journalism, your plans for the day are over. 

You need to go home immediately.

Trust me on that.

So, would you check out the World's Biggest McDonald's if you were visiting Orlando? Where would you go instead? Let me know!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com