Ladies' Mailbag: Bob Saget as Clay edition

Well, if anyone out there actually has any room left in their brains to process anything else after this whole Manti Te'o fiasco, then I have a mailbag just for you. Take a quick break from reading Te'o stories and screaming "But, but, HOW? But, WHYYYY?" while pulling out fistfuls of your own hair, and jump into this week's female mailbag. (By the way, no one even offered to buy me any sort of delicious sandwich this week. You guys need to step it up.)

Scott S asks: Speaking of SEC boobs, is it better to have anonymous photos like most do, or to add faces like Florida?

Well this is an easy one, Scott: don’t do anything like Florida. I thought we covered this already when I explained how most every horrific and embarrassing thing that occurred in our society in the year 2012 occurred within the confines of Florida. So just remember, Scott: When you’re faced with a tough decision and you’re not sure what to do, don’t fret!—all you really have to do is just exactly the opposite of what someone in Florida would do.

Trevor M asks: Would you rather give your son (future or present) Bama bangs or be forced to listen to Lou Holtz commentate for 8 hours?

I have absolutely no qualms with Bama bangs. In fact, I will go so far as to say I readily enjoy a nice, thick bang. I think a good, glossy Bama bang can make even the most unattractive guy look halfway decent. It kind of distracts me from any glaring facial defects and it can even camouflage any unfortunate misshapen heads and/or excessively large foreheads that are all up in my personal space. So my initial answer was going to be that I'd choose to give my future son this magical hair-do. However, to be fair, I felt I had to explore the other option. This probably won’t come as a surprise to any of you, but I had to do an extensive Google and YouTube search for Lou Holtz before I could even begin to knowledgeably address this question. And man, am I glad I did. Because I found this video, and it immediately made my answer to this question so crystal clear:

Thank God Channel 4 captured this precious, valuable footage, because those chumps are never getting an interview from him again. Ever! As much as I love Bama bangs, I think I love listening to this cute old geriatric patient yell at innocent, inoffensive interns even more. Eight hours wouldn't be long enough.  

Knox G asks: When does the AJ McCarron, Katherine Webb and Harvey Updyke love triangle unfold? And then, who kills who?

I don’t know about everyone else, but I for one am SICK of hearing about Katherine Webb. I’m competing with hot chicks left and right down here in Nashville, and the last thing all we Southern girls need is yet another hot chick (with a famous boyfriend to boot) to steal the limited limelight from us. So, no offense Knox G., but I'm automatically vetoing this love triangle from the get-go. I’d much rather see a love triangle consisting of Matt Leinart, Mark Sanchez and Hayley Frank unfold before all of our hungry eyes. And then, we all kill Katherine Webb. (Just kidding about that part, guys. Calm down, Cosby Sweater Lady. Knox G was the one who brought violence into the equation in the first place.)

Andrew R asks: If you and Clay were to be portrayed in a film, what actress and actor duo would best play your roles?

This is an excellent question that required intensive research in order for me to make the most accurate decision. Therefore, upon reading this question I promptly typed into my Google search bar: “Gayest actor in Hollywood.” (No lie. I honestly did this. It was truly my first instinct.) I found a link that read “The Five Gayest Straight Actors in Hollywood.” This seemed to be very fitting, since amazingly, Clay still insists that he is a straight man amidst all the accusations from y’all.

The #1 gayest straight actor on the list was Vin Diesel. For obvious reasons, I quickly realized this wouldn’t work. So I moved on to Plan B, which was typing in “Actor you love to hate,” which also seemed quite fitting here. Tom Cruise was #1 in that category, but I just didn’t have the heart to choose a crazed lunatic to play one of my friends, not even Clay.

So I was completely on my own here. I just closed my eyes and tried to picture the face, mannerisms and voice of whom I could see saying things like “Because I’m always right” or “Wait, rewind that- was that a nip slip?” or even just “BOOBS” (with a little bit of drool coming out of the side of his mouth) on the big silver screen. Therefore, my final answer for who would play Clay is either Dane Cook, Seth Rogen or Bob Saget.

I then moved on to who’d play me, and the only answer I could really come up with was “not Anne Hathaway."

Are you seeing it now? Kinda? The snarky smirk? The know-it-all eyes? Just subtract the creepy beard and voila!