Idiot Columnist Writes Idiot Column For USA Today Alleging Sexism

This is going to shock y'all, but men are better at sports than women.

Men are better than women at running, jumping, shooting, boxing, lifting weights, fighting, catching, swimming, and any other physical sporting act you can possibly imagine. There is not a single sport that has ever been created that women are better at than men. This is not sexism, this is biology.

Arguing that women are better than men in any sport is most assuredly the very definition of fake sports news.

Now this doesn't mean that every man is better than every woman at every sport, that's plainly not true. Many female golfers would destroy me, for instance, on the golf course. But it most assuredly is not sexist for a men's pro golfer to say that he's better than female pro golfers.

None of this should be remotely controversial, but we live in a society where people now make a living being perpetually offended by everything around them. Enter USA Today, which pays an idiot columnist named Christine Brennan a substantial sum of money to consistently write idiotic columns that make no sense. Most men in our business won't criticize her for what she writes because they are afraid of being called sexist, but I think that's bullshit.

See, I'm such a huge feminist I do something radical, I treat everyone regardless of their gender the exact same. So I'm going to treat Brennan exactly like I would a man who write an incredibly dumb ass column. Prepare yourselves, I just came in from the beach and I've got my murdering flip flops on.

Brennan's column is linked here. Because I believe in equality of the sexes, I'd encourage you to go read it first so you can see what a steaming pile of shit it is. It's a vintage PC Bromani column, by which I mean the author of the column knew exactly what he or she was going to write -- a jeremiad arguing for inclusiveness and social justice warrioring -- before she'd actually done any work at all.

I am now going to systematically destroy her column, in particular her assertion that a comment was "blantantly sexist."

Here's the headline above the article she wrote:

"Senior PGA players are Trump's kind of crowd"

By and large this may be true since old, white guys tend to vote Republican. Of course many Senior PGA players might well be huge Democrats or actual conservatives and find Trump's presidency distasteful. But that doesn't matter, let's go ahead and paint with a broad brush -- while getting Donald Trump's name in the headline for SEO purposes -- senior PGA players are Trump's kind of crowd.

At this point let me ask you an interesting question. Would Christine Brennan have gone to, say, Freaknik in Atlanta back in the day, and written an article headlined, "Freaknik attendees are Obama's kind of crowd."

After all, young black people in Atlanta overwhelmingly voted for Obama just like, presumably, old white golfers overwhelmingly voted for Trump. It's the same thing, right?

But that headline wouldn't have been written.

Because everybody knows that judging large groups of people based on the color of their skin is racist unless the people you are judging are white.

Moving right along.

Here's the opening paragraph:

"There is no sport as inextricably linked to Donald Trump as the game of golf. It’s the only sport Trump plays, and he plays it every chance he gets. He owns courses around the world, and this year alone, two of them will host major championships, the U.S. Women’s Open in New Jersey in July, and this week’s KitchenAid Senior PGA Championship at Trump National Golf Club near Washington, D.C."

In the opening sentence Brennan lets you know that this is not a column about golf or golfers. It's a column about Donald Trump. There is literally no sports story angle here at all in the opening paragraph. Donald Trump, like millions of other men and women in the country in his 70's, plays only one sport -- golf. This is not a unique fact about Trump or other men and women his age. In fact, if Trump played pick-up basketball or baseball or hockey at age 70, it would be pretty uncommon, right? I would read the hell out of an article about Donald Trump, pick up baller. In fact, I'd want those pick-up games televised. The point here is pretty simple -- other than tennis, just about every man in his 70's who wants to play a sport, plays golf.

The fact that Trump, a billionaire, owns golf courses is not particularly big news either. This has been discussed a great deal already in his presidency.

So what you have here based on the headline and an opening paragraph is a clear piece of agenda journalism. Before she's even asked a question you can already divine the intent of the column -- it's designed to disparage Donald Trump and the men who support him.

On to paragraph two.

"A trip up the Potomac River to Trump’s Northern Virginia retreat on the eve of the senior men’s major tournament reveals the delicate dance that is taking place between the controversial and embattled U.S. president and golf’s numerous stakeholders. It’s an exercise in initial support, followed by nervous retreat. Everyone is happy to be here, of course, but no one really wants to talk about it. In other words, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."

Let's pause now and note that Brennan is "covering" the senior men's open. I don't have the interest in checking her bylines, but has Brennan ever written another column based on the senior men's open in her life as an opinionist? I bet the answer is no.

For that reason senior golfers, who aren't stupid, don't want to talk about politics with a female reporter they've never met before who has come with an agenda in place, to write a negative article about the president, and destroy them in print if they support him. Is this a surprise at all? Rory McIlroy and Tiger Woods were both crushed for playing a round of golf with the president. Is it any surprise that most golfers, when asked about politics by a woman with a clear ax to  grind who they don't know, don't want to talk about politics with her?

Note also the use of the words "controversial" and "embattled," to describe Trump. These are not neutral words about the president. They are clearly designed to demean Trump even though he isn't on the course or involved in this story at all. It's also curious that he's described as "the man behind the curtain," since the entire purpose of this column is rooted in Trump's own prominence. If Trump's interests in this golf course were hidden or a surprise maybe this would be an interesting exploration, but the entire reason she's at the course is because of Trump's connection to it.

How is "the man behind the curtain?"

If anything, he's the man lifting the curtain beckoning people inside.

Moving right along.

"Trump is thousands of miles away in Europe at the moment, but he’s also right here. His name is emblazoned in red over Rocco Mediate’s right breast. It’s in blue over Fred Funk’s heart. They have a relationship with Trump’s golf brand; Mediate for seven or eight years now, he estimates, and Funk just this year."

News alert: billionaire with hundreds of millions of dollars in golf courses has a relationship with pro golfers. Again, this is not particularly surprising or newsworthy.

What's more, Trump is not even here. Hell, he's not even in the country right now.

So far Brennan has absolutely zero to report.

So she zeroes in on the relationship between Trump and Rocco Mediate and Trump and Fred Funk seeking, desperately, for a negative story to write.

“President Trump is my friend,” Mediate said. “He has been my friend since 2008. This isn’t a bandwagon-jump-on-the-thing-because-he’s-president stuff. That’s just not it.”

After getting nothing negative from Mediate other than a decision not to engage in substantial political analysis, Brennan decides to ask him "what he thought of the president's comments that came to light during the campaign, including bragging about sexually assaulting women, mocking a disabled person and attacking a Gold Star family."

There isn't even a subtext here -- Christine Brennan doesn't like Donald Trump. That would be fine if she were, say, a political editorialist. But she isn't. She's a sportswriter who has traveled to Trump's golf course in search of an opportunity to write something negative about Trump.

So now she's denigrating Trump in her sports column.

She still doesn't have anything to justify the trip so she asks Fred Funk the same questions. He mostly avoids saying anything controversial as well then attempts to change the subject.

And Brennan has struck gold!

She writes:

"Unfortunately, Funk wasn’t in the interview room for five minutes when he uttered a sexist remark. He was joking about how he gets new fairway metals every birthday to keep up with lengthening golf courses and said, “I feel like I should be on the ladies tour right now.”

He immediately caught himself with another attempt at humor: “I didn’t mean that in a derogatory sense, not at all. Just because Annika (Sorenstam) outdrove me, I’m a little bitter, but, no …”

But, no, indeed. It was fascinating that those blatantly sexist words came so easily to him. They tumbled off his tongue as if he had said them one hundred times before. Perhaps this was the first time, but it sure didn’t sound like it.

This was a man who sounded quite comfortable delivering a snide remark about women’s golf. This was the man with Trump’s name over his heart."

Now let's unpack these quotes here that are "blatantly sexist words," because this is the entire crux of her column. Without this conclusion she's discovered nothing on her trip to write negatively about Donald Trump.

First, how is it sexist for an aging golfer to joke that he has to get new golf clubs every birthday to keep up with lengthening golf courses? As men age they don't hit the ball as far as they did when they were younger. This is a proven fact. It's why the senior tour exists. It's also why many golf courses even have senior tees. Funk is making a joke at his own expense, about his declining talents on the golf course.

If a male pro golfer is not hitting the ball farther than a woman, it's not denigrating women or sexist to say, "I feel like I should be on the ladies tour now."

Because male pro golfers hit the ball farther than women pro golfers do. I would wager that if Fred Funk played in an LPGA event next week with the young women he would contend for, or win, the tournament. This is because, newsflash, MEN ARE BETTER AT GOLF THAN WOMEN ARE.

That's why the LPGA exists, because if women competed with men they would never win.

It's also why the senior tour exists, because if older men compete with younger men they wouldn't win very often either.

This is not remotely sexist, it's just factual.

Furthermore, Brennan acknowledges that Funk was joking with these comments when he likely saw her furiously scribbling down his quotes and pivoted to try and avoid her calling him sexist even when he wasn't being sexist by making another joke. "I didn’t mean that in a derogatory sense, not at all. Just because Annika (Sorenstam) outdrove me, I’m a little bitter, but, no..."

Again, double attempt at a joke.

And this isn't sexist either. Any man who used to be good enough to win on the PGA Tour would feel bad if a woman could outdrive him.

Funk was making disarming jokes about how he hits the ball a much shorter distance now than he used to. He's mocking himself because being self deprecating is better than walking in and saying, "Yeah, I'm sixty years old, but I can still beat the fuck out of 99.9% of all golfers in the world."

And then strutting out of the interview room.

If Michael Jordan, now in his fifties, said about this year's NBA Finals, "Keeping up with LeBron? To hell with LeBron and the NBA, I'm not even sure I could play in the WNBA right now," would that be "blatantly sexist?"

Of course not.

It would be Jordan making fun of his deteriorating basketball abilities in a lighthearted manner. The best basketball player in the history of the world was now saying he wasn't even good enough to play in the WNBA. It's a clear joke because 50 year old Michael Jordan would average 50 and 20 in the WNBA. Do you know why? BECAUSE MEN ARE BETTER AT BASKETBALL THAN WOMEN.

When you break this story down, there is absolutely nothing sexist at all. What's worse, there isn't even a story at all.

Just...nothing.

Brennan has since defended herself by saying that she didn't say Funk was sexist, "nor did she label him a sexist, as he contends," an article on the USA Today website says.

Is that really the defense you want to adopt here? USA Today is really trying to argue there's a difference between calling someone's comments "blatantly sexist" and calling someone "sexist?" Especially when you build upon calling someone "blatantly sexist," by writing: "It was fascinating that those blatantly sexist words came so easily to him. They tumbled off his tongue as if he had said them one hundred times before. Perhaps this was the first time, but it sure didn’t sound like it."

If you write that someone said something "blatantly sexist" and then follow it up with it sounding like he had "said them one hundred times before," isn't that the very definition of calling someone sexist? Especially when you pair these comments with your punch line connecting him to Donald Trump, who it's clear Brennan considers to be sexist?

Brennan defended her column by saying, "His comment about the 'ladies tour,' which was unprompted, was surprising. By any definition, that is a sexist comment, and I said exactly that in my column. I'd be happy to discuss this more with Fred if he wants. It's an important conversation anywhere, but especially for the game of golf, which is trying to attract more women and girls."

"By any definition," this was a sexist comment? Are you kidding me. This isn't a sexist comment by any definition at all.

Do you know where those women and girls Brennan wants to embrace the sport will play golf from?

THE LADIES TEES.

WHICH ARE SHORTER DISTANCES TO THE HOLES THAN THE MEN'S TEES.

Do you know why that is?

BECAUSE WOMEN HIT THEIR DRIVES SHORTER THAN THE MEN DO!

Funk's comment wasn't sexist, it was a fact.

Will Christine Brennan now be writing that women's tees should be eliminated from golf? After all, their very existence screams sexism. The same is true, by the way, of women's basketball, women's volleyball, women's track and field, women's swimming, and half of all Olympic events in which women only compete against themselves. Why are these sports segregated by sex? Shouldn't the women be competing against the men in every sport if we are desirous of total sexual equality?

The reason why women's sports exist is because women would never win if they competed with men. What's more, no woman would qualify for the Olympics at all in any sport that's the same as men's.

I wrote in all caps above because facts aren't sexist. Attempts to make facts sexist should be terrifying to anyone with a brain because it's clear evidence of fake sports news. And right now we are buried in fake sports news which is actually politics masquerading as sports opinion.

Christine Brennan went to Trump's golf course with a clear intent in mind -- to ridicule Donald Trump and his supporters. This is self evident from the moment you read the headline and the first sentence of her column. It isn't brave or interesting or intelligent -- Brennan's column had nothing to do with sports and worst of all for a journalist who is trained to make people think, it was already written in her head before she even arrived at the golf course.

The goal was simple here -- ridicule Trump and his supporters with a golf course connection as the cloak that would allow a non-sports column to be written in USA  Today.

This was politics disguised as sports, fake sports news in a major national news source.

But since I'm such a big feminist, I think it's important that I finish this destructive column with an effort to bring everyone together. So here it is: this summer I am going to self-identify as a woman and only play golf from the women's tees. It's the least I can do to bring the sexes together.

Since ESPN has taught us that there is nothing braver that a man can do in sports than decide to become a woman I'll see y'all at the ESPYS next year.

Because I just locked up the 2017 ESPY for courage.

And everyone who disagrees is blatantly sexist.

UPDATE: Christine Brennan blocked me on Twitter for calling out her bullshit, agenda driven column. So much for continuing the conversation about women and golf. Really strong and fearless editorial voice you've got there USA Today.