Game of Thrones Season Six, Episode 1

Winter's here, bitches. 

And with it, rejoice, Outkick's "Game of Thrones" weekly Monday columns return.  

This year we're also adding in an immediate live show reaction on Periscope and Facebook. Here is last night's show on Facebook. 

But here we go with the first of ten consecutive Monday "Game of Thrones" columns:

1. We open on Jon Snow's lifeless body, an echo of the way last season ended.

Davos hears Snow's direwolf, Ghost, whining and rushes outside to find Snow's body, which he brings inside. For a moment there's hope that maybe Snow survived the attack, but that's quickly relinquished as we see his eyes closed.

Melisandre, she of the erstwhile perfect boobs, says she saw him fighting at Winterfell in the flames.

Davos shuts her down, "I can't speak for the flames, but he's gone."  

Okay, let's begin this discussion here, plainly Jon Snow is not dead even though he's dead right now. Offshore betting sites have him at 100-1 to be alive this season. So if you really think he's dead you could make a ton of money betting he's finished.

I'm also not sure if y'all noticed, but in the roster of actor names at the beginning of season six Kit Harrington, aka Jon Snow, was prominently featured. Now potentially that's because his dead body is in season six, but it's also an interesting clue, in conjunction with the offshore gambling sites, that he has a role this year. 

So how will Jon Snow be resurrected? We don't know. Here are a few theories. 

a. Melisandre will bring him back to life.

She has to be in Castle Black for a reason, right?

And remember there's the random dude in the forest who has come back to life five times. And he's a follower of the Lord of Lights as well.   

b. Snow is inside his wolf.

The wolf's name? Ghost!

Look at how angry Ghost is at the night's watch. Could that be Snow?

There have been hints that Snow could also leap from one animal to another like his brother Bran. Is it possible that just before his death he leapt into the wolf?

I like this theory right now. 

c. When his body is burned, he will come back to life and reveal that he's a Targaryen as well as a Stark. 

But this makes less sense. And it would have been much cooler to see this happen, rather than a stabbing, for the Knight's Watch members to have strung him up to burn to death and then had him not burn. 

Given all of these options, I'd still say Melisandre is the most likely to bring Snow back to life, but I like the idea that he's in Ghost the most. Potentially it could be a combination of both, she brings his physical body back to life, but Snow never actually died, he's been inside Ghost.

Last question, when will Snow come back to life? Given that HBO used to give pre-show screeners of four episodes to TV critics, my bet is it will happen in the first four episodes and HBO didn't want to risk the info getting out.

Regardless when Snow comes back to life, this will be the biggest resurrection since Jesus.  

2. Ramsey, the most reviled character on the show since Joffrey, sits alongside his dead mistress, lamenting her passing.

It's as human as we have seen Ramsey before. Of course he immediately cancels out this humanity when he's asked whether he wants his mistresss burned or buried. "Buried, burned, this is good meat. Feed her to the hounds."

Also worth noting is that the Ramsey and Roose Bolton, father-son dynamic, is trending towards a battle to the death over who the heir to Winterfell will be.

Ramsey is definitely going to kill his dad.  

3. Theon -- now that he's rebelled he's no longer Reek -- and Sansa flee through the snow.

Finally cornered and caught by the dogs Theon attempts to give himself up, but the searchers find Sansa as well. (She's been cleverly hidden ten feet away under tree roots). Leading to this memorable line to Theon from a pursuer: "I can't wait to see what part he cuts off you this time."

Just as it appears we're headed for another season of Theon being tortured by Ramsey, out of nowhere comes Lady Brienne and her squire, the awkward dude with the magic dick. 

4. Lady Brienne kills everyone -- alongside her able magic dicked squire -- and pledges herself, at long last, to Sansa Stark.

How she managed to arrive at the exact right time or know that these men were pursuing Sansa Stark isn't important -- random coincidences happen all the time on GOT -- just know that when Lady Brienne shows up she mows people down. 

Sansa accepts Brienne's pledge of life-long loyalty and now we're prepared for her to travel to Castle Black just in time for her bastard brother -- actually cousin, he's the son of her aunt Lyanna Stark -- Jon Snow to come back to life.

This sets up the possibility of Snow marching on Winterfell with thewildling army -- accompanied by Sansa -- to reclaim Winterfell from the Bolton's. Also, with Snow, Sansa, Davos, Brienne, and the Squire with the magic dick all potentially uniting this new crew has the potential to be the most liked army in GOT history. This means they'll probably all be killed by Ramsey.

5. Jaime Lannister returns from Dorne with his daughter's body and Cersei laments that the witch's telling of her future was correct.

Two of Cersei and Jaime's three incest children are now dead and PC bro pussy Tommen, the worst king of all time, is the only child left. 

Jaime won't have any of that whining from Cersei. "Fuck prophecy," says Jaime. "We're going to take everything there is."

The Lannisters always pay their debts, and there's about to be a bunch of dead bodies hitting the floor in Dorne.

6. Margaery is still in jail because her husband is a PC bro pussy.

The High Sparrow retains power, but it's clear that a confrontation between Cersei and Jaime -- who has his own sins to attone for -- is looming.

Enter the Mountain.

It seems clear that the Lannisters are about to embark upon a two-fronted war, with the religious zealots in their own kingdom and with the Sand Snakes in Dorne.

But could the High Sparrow be trying to turn Margaery to his side? Do we still have a fight to play out between Cersei and Margaery? 

7. Speaking of the Sand Snakes, they kill the Prince of Dorne and his son in typical gruesome fashion. 

The younger prince is victimized most cruelly, with a blade through the back of the head while he prepares to fight the Sand Snake in front of him. 

Now the only question is this -- will the Sand Snakes launch an attack across the sea at Westeros, or will they wait to be attacked?

I feel like this entire plot line is just a nod to the PC bros because I have no idea where it's headed -- GIRL POWER, GIRLS ROCK, GIRLS CAN KICK ASS TOO, DEATH TO THE PATRIARCHY, YAY, PENISES ARE AWFUL!

I can't wait for these bitches to get killed. 

8. Religion has spread to Mereen, where we see Tyrion and Lord Varys out for a stroll in the city.

"You walk like a rich person," says Varys. 

Tyrion drops in an unsolicited you have no dick comment -- the lack of dicks in GOT is an epidemic, especially if you count Tommen -- and attempts to give a coin to a woman with a hungry baby. In typical GOT fashion due to his bad accent the woman doesn't understand that Tyrion is offering her a coin for food and thinks that he's trying to buy her baby to eat. 

The streets are mostly empty and Tyrion sums up the prevailing fear in the city by saying, "Wherever you are, wherever you go, someone wants to murder you."

Suddenly a panic emerges and Tyrion sprints -- as best a dwarf can sprint -- to the overlook to see that the ships in the harbor have all been burned.

Cue dramatic music -- now there is no escape for anyone.

9. Jorah and Daario are in search of Queen Daenerys. 

Jorah is in love with Daenerys and so is, probably, Daario. Now they're both searching for her. They find her ring -- which makes more sense when you view the tracks left by the thundering herd of Dothrakis -- and Jorah looks down at his creeping greyscale. 

Great question asked by one of you in our post-show chat -- could he survive if he chopped off his arm? Or, more likely, lost it in combat? I don't know the answer, but it's something to keep in mind. Surely Jorah doesn't want to carry the plague that destroyed Valyria to a new city, right?

10. The Dothrakis have Daenerys held captive and as they bring her into the city they joke about whether her pussy has white hair and about banging grandmas. 

It's almost like they've let Outkick write an episode. 

Brought in front of the Khal, the women want Daenerys's head chopped off because she's beautiful. (Or as they say, because she's a "witch.") We get a long speech from the Khal that ends, "Seeing a beautiful woman naked for the first time is one of the five best things in life."

By the way, is it just me or are all the Khals hot? I'm already rooting for a sex scene involving the bitching Khal's wife too. 

Anyway, just as we're about to see Daenerys naked -- word is, Emilia Clarke now refuses to be naked in the show so don't get your hopes up -- Daenerys gives a long speech about what a bad ass she is. The Khal laughs at her, but then it emerges that she's the widow of Khal Drago. Daenerys uses her newfound respect to request a return to Mereen in exchange for 1000 horses.

But, uh oh, it turns out the widows of Khals have to live the rest of their lives in isolation at the temple with the other widows.

That doesn't sound promising.

Where my dragon at?

11. Arya's blind and she gets her ass beat by the mean chick who is always beating her ass.

What's more, it appears Arya's going to continue to get her ass beat until she gets better at fighting.

It seems like being a blind fighter would be quite an oxymoron, but who knows?

12. Melisandre's boobs are back!

All episode long, ever since we saw that nudity warning at the beginning of the show, we've been waiting to see boobs and we finally get some boobs!

Unfortunately the boobs go bad in a hurry. 

When Melisandre takes off her necklace we're able to see that she's actually an old woman. (Although, no gray pubes? Does she shave? Or does her skin not grow hair? Confession: this question came from one of you on our post-show broadcast. Even I wasn't perverted enough to notice this. But it does tie in with the white pubes joke from earlier. Brilliant!).

Worst. Nude. Scene. Ever.

The easy read here is that Melisandre's necklace keeps her young and beautiful, but remember that last season she climbed out of a hot bath without the necklace on to reveal her body to Stannis's wife. So was this an error by the Thrones show -- that seems unlikely -- or was she actually revealing herself at that point in time as an old woman to Stannis's wife? That seems like it would be more impressive to Stannis's wife than the fact that she looked great naked, right? After all, Stannis's wife can tell Melisandre is beautiful even with clothes on, right? So I'm going with that thesis.

Also, was I the only person who thought Melisandre looked like a white walker? Maybe that's just a function of Thrones style make-up, but didn't she look a bit like the White Walker King in the face? She looked more than just like an old person to me.  

Regardless, what seems very clear is that in the wake of Stannis's death and defeat and Jon Snow's death Melisandre is having a crisis of religious faith. Was her taking off of the necklace a sign of her willingness to die? Or is this something she does occasionally to show submission and fealty to the Lord of Lights?

We don't know for sure, but it seems clear that Davos is relying upon Melisandre to save them from sure death at the hands of those who have killed Jon Snow. So what will his reaction be when he arrives to find her an old woman?

Final question -- does the necklace itself convey immortality? Or cure a broken body? Is it possible that if Jon Snow wore the necklace he would be resurrected?

Stay tuned, we've got nine more episodes to go.