Alabama's Check List for 2012, Take out the rest of the SEC
In the past year Alabama fans have killed Auburn's trees and teabagged an LSU fan who was passed out sleeping in a Krystal.
That's quite a year.
Two rivals down, 11 to go in a new 14 team SEC.
If I'd told you to guess which fan base in America was going to be responsible for both of these acts, a public teabagging and tree murder, most of your first guesses would have been Alabama. Even Alabama fans would have guessed this. In fact, every single actual Alabama grad would have guessed this immediately.
Roll Tide Roll.
But the sheer unexpectedness and outright depravity of these crimes still managed to leave most of us startled. Simple assault from one Bama fan to another? We expect that. Hell, a murder surrounding a domestic dispute over drunken football watching? Expected again.
But tree murder and testicular assault?
Even Alfred Hitchcock, the man who made taking a shower impossible in the 1960's, is taken aback.
Having knocked off two of their yearly rivals already, Auburn and LSU, with crimes of moral turpitude, what will Alabama fans do to the 11 rivals remaining on the fan assault schedule in 2012?
Well, I've tried to get into the diabolical and twisted mind of an Alabama fan to predict what might ensue.
How did I do this?
I sniffed gasoline for an hour and then wrote "your gay" one hundred times in a row on an Auburn message board. Then I intentionally failed an online GED test.
Voila, I was a Bammer.
Before long I started to feel like Carrie Matheson on Showtime's "Homeland" overwhelmed by the potential nature and number of fan terrorist attacks that were possible.
Here's what I foresee.
1. Ole Miss
Burning down the Grove is an easy call, but I think that's too easy at this point.
No, the attack will be more unexpected than that.
And I hate to say it, but the William Faulkner statue in Oxford's square is doomed.
Bama fans will topple the statue and drag the head around the square.
While driving, the Bama fan, confused as to who the statue actually honored, will hold his head out the window screaming, "Take that Archie Manning!"
2. Texas A&M
You'd think it would be hard to surprise an Aggie, what with all the uniforms worn around on campus on a daily basis.
Sadly, you'd be wrong.
Most future officers protect us from those assaults that are logical in nature. Alabama fans, the most illogical people in the Southland, don't strike where you'd expect them to strike.
That's why the yell leader that an Alabama fan kidnaps, tortures in his double wide, and ultimately tattoos a large Bear Bryant tattoo on his back, will never see it coming.
"Yell, now, boy," the Bama fan will say.
3. Mississippi State
You might be thinking, it's Starkville, this is the only place a bomb could go off and improve the scenery.
Well, you'd be wrong...partly.
Alabama fans are not smart enough to create bombs -- at least not bombs that don't explode and kill them first -- but the State bulldog, the one who gallops on to the field to the immortal "Bad to the Bone" song -- yes, this really happens -- he's done for.
Glass in the bulldog's chow will spell his demise.
4. Tennessee
Remember when Nick Saban said that Derek Dooley would be a great coach in the SEC?
Yeah, the Vols were the first victim of Alabama's fan assault only nobody knew the campaign had started yet.
5. Arkansas
Two words.
Hog rape.
The most disturbing thing about this fan terrorist attack will be that the Alabama fan who is raping the hog mascot won't even be intending it as a terrorist attack. He'll just want to have sex with the hog.
6. Georgia
The Bulldogs have managed to avoid playing Alabama for the past three decades. (Note this might be a slight exaggeration).
Some people believe that's because Georgia will lose to Alabama, others are aware of the true reason, because UGA received so many death threats the last time Georgia played Alabama -- the death threats arrived written in crayon and UGA was misspelled, but still -- the governor of Georgia refused to allow the game to take place.
Bama fans would kill UGA, but the dog has been dying so quickly due to his genetic defects, that UGA is off the list.
So instead they're going to attack Georgia's true national treasure, the fake boobs on the undergrad population. (In case you aren't aware Georgia is the cleavage capital of the South).
How will that assault take place?
A Bama fan will smother a Georgia coed in her own cleavage while screaming "Rammer Jammer Yellowhammer."
A week later CSI's script featuring the same murder will arrive at CBS studios.
Removing his eyeglasses, David Caruso will solemnly intone: "Silidead."
7. Vanderbilt
Some people think that when Alabama fans chant, "Nerd school! Nerd school," at Vanderbilt they are talking about the university.
That's far from the case.
They're actually chanting at the schoolchildren who attend the special needs elementary school across the street where Bama fans park their RVs on gameday.
In an effort to rouse Vandy's fraternity guys from sleeping through the football game, Bama fans will light poo on fire and put it outside the frat house door. Ringing the doorbell, they'll gleefully wait for the poo to be stomped. Only the Vandy frat guys will sleep through the doorbell ringing and the fraternity house will burn down with all the frat boys inside.
J. Crew stock will drop 40% Monday morning.
8. South Carolina
The CockaBooses are done for.
If you haven't been to South Carolina for a game, the Cockabooses are rail cars that sit directly alongside the stadium. They're outstanding, immobile party buses on train tracks.
While standing outside in large groups screaming, "Cocks," over and over again -- with space for giggles -- to distract the cockaboose partiers, another Bama fan will loosen the cables that have kept the cockabooses still for decades.
Next stop?
Derailment.
9. Florida
Mr. Two Bits officially retired in 2008.
And by "retired" we mean this -- Alabama fans killed him and fed him to the alligators in Lake Alice in 2009.
RIP, Mr. Two Bits.
10. Kentucky
Since Kentucky fans don't actually care about football, Bama fans are always stumped by what do to the Wildcats.
But Bear Bryant once coached there, winning Kentucky an SEC title in football in 1950.
So diabolical Alabama fans will do what Alabama fans do, the Bear won a title at Kentucky?
Hell, meet Alabama's 15th national title.
Kentucky fans will still not notice so frustrated Alabama fans will put Spike 80DF in John Calipari's hair gel.
11. Missouri
Luckily for Missouri, most Alabama fans are not aware that this state exists. (This is the case for every state outside the South. Most Bama fans believe everything above Tennessee is Canada).
The remaining few Bama fans that are aware of the state's existence will travel to Columbia for a game this fall.
Considering they have already killed the trees and teabagged the other two Tigers respectively, danger awaits the third Tiger in Columbia.
How will it manifest itself?
Let's just say when Gary Pinkel wakes up from his next jumbo glass of wine, this time roofied, there's likely to be a naked male Alabama fan, wearing only a houndstooth hat, rubbing his hand and saying, "You got a purty mouth, Gary."