Jennifer Aniston Wraps Herself In A Christmas Bow, Danica Patrick's Trump Dance & Herbie Vs. Shannon Sharpe!
Remember last week when I said I was heading into the lion's den for Christmas? Going home, to a house full of kids, for an entire week?
Well, I've got an update for everyone – it's even worse than I could've ever imagined!
Because the Dean Family has apparently pissed off God this holiday season, my toddler has the flu. I mean, of course she does.
Hasn't slept in nights. Fever. Aches. Pains. The whole nine yards. Incredible. It's amazing, really. You ever tried to keep a kid upstairs, away from her four cousins playing downstairs, for an entire day? I've never worked so hard. I'm exhausted already from this week, and it really hasn't even started yet.
It's OK. At least my No. 1 seed fantasy football team, that ran through the league all season, cruised to an easy semifinal win yesterday!
Just kidding. Everyone and I mean everyone laid a giant egg, I got smoked, and will somehow finish fourth despite barely losing all season and scoring a billion more points than everyone else.
But hey, at least the Dolphins won a meaningless December game!
On that note, welcome to a Monday Nightcaps – the one where we check in with Jennifer Aniston and hope to God she boosts morale.
What else? I've got the best #content from an absolutely loaded weekend, Danica Patrick triggering the mob with a Trump dance, the White House intern Christmas picture is exactly what you'd expect, and Kay Adams checks in with a few heaters on a Chilly December Monday.
Whew. What a menu for a sick day!
Grab you something cold, alcoholic and eggy, and settle in for a Monday 'Cap!
Let's start with the #content
Y'all like eggnog? Feel like America has a real love/hate relationship with it.
I'm very much pro-eggnog. Love it. So does the First Lady, although she can't have any right now because she's currently on a vegan/gluten-free diet because my newborn has a stomach sensitivity to everything under the sun – except meat.
God, what a great patriot!
Anyway, I did make her some egg-free, dairy-free eggnog over the weekend – figure that one out! – and it was … OK?
For those with similar issues at home, it was a cup of raw cashews, 8 dates, vanilla extract, nutmeg, a cup of unsweetened almond milk and a dash of clove – all in the blender with ice and whiskey, of course.
Honestly, it wasn't awful. Wasn't great, but doable. I could work with it.
Anyway, you're welcome! Don't say I never did anything for you.
OK, let's get to the #content from a big weekend:
Shannon vs. Kirk, who ya got?
Couple things!
1. That last one from Joe? Easy. It's Blockbuster. The answer will always be Blockbuster. Nothing will ever match the feeling or the smell of walking into a Blockbuster on a Friday after school.
2. Fat people are mad at the planes for not accommodating their fatness. Sad.
3. Cannot believe Bill gave up retirement with Jordon to deal with a bunch of snot-nosed college kids begging for more NIL money. Insane.
4. Don't see the problem with the Josh Allen runner-up picture. What am I missing?
5. "Seven hours of Red Zone football starts NOW" doesn't hit the same, but I reckon there are bills to pay. Thanks, Biden.
OK, moving on …
… to some ESPN-on-ESPN crime! Kirk Herbstreit vs. Shannon Sharpe – who you got?!
Jenn's Christmas card, Danica's trump dance and the White House interns!
I'm firmly with Herbie here. Firmly. Frankly, I'm still confused by all the Ryan Day hate. So he lost to Michigan again … who cares? Do Ohio State fans really care more about beating Michigan than … winning a natty?
Like, the guy is in the second round of the playoffs, just blew out Tennessee, and … they're all still calling for him to be fired? Because Ohio State lost to Michigan?
I don't get it. OSU fans are insane, and that includes Joe Kinsey and ex-Nightcaps teacher Anthony Farris.
PS: Shannon vs Herbie in an actual fight would be a bloodbath, and Kirk's dogs ain't stepping in to help. Tread lightly, Kirk. Trust me.
OK, rapid-fire time on this final-Monday-before-Christmas. First up? Tis the season, from Jennifer Aniston!
Welcome back to class, Jenn! Been a while. Yes, I know you went super woke during the election, but we separate the looks from the mind around here. If we didn't, we simply wouldn't have a ton of #content.
That being said, Danica Patrick has BOTH!
Solid little Trump dance here from Danica. 7 out of 10. Not the best, but certainly not the worst.
Now, let's go get that Panama Canal! Great summer job for the college interns when we do take it back, too!
Speaking of college interns … I mean, I just can't figure out why the Biden Administration has been such a woke shit show:
Take us into the week, Kay!
My God. And the Libs are STILL confused that America overwhelmingly voted Republican this cycle. I mean, LOOK AT THOSE PICTURES!
These, by the way, are the same folks who just used Biden as a puppet to disgustingly commute 37 death row sentences. And if you don't believe that, you're insane.
OK, that's enough for today. I've got a sick kid to nurse back to health in time for Santa.
Let's go have a big week. I'm gone until next Monday. Amber and Matty R. have you covered in the meantime. Act right.
And Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.
OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).
You taking Kirk or Shannon? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com.